There are moments when how you show up for your child matters more than others. One of those moments is during tantrums.
These moments are rare because often kids won't risk vulnerability and precious because it's an opportunity to build intimacy and help them develop skills that will benefit them for the rest of their life.
The good news is the process to support them is simple. The bad news is it can require a lot of energy. But before we get into all that, let's start by identifying when you've got an opportunity to invite them to open up. Here is the scenario:
- Your child comes home from school/sports/social event. They've been home for less than 10 minutes and they start misbehaving.
- You take steps to correct their behavior. They get very emotional, very quickly.
It can appear as if they are misbehaving in disrespect, but it's more likely their emotions are stored up from something that happened earlier in the day.
Want to get actionable tips that help build intimacy with your child every Monday? Click here to subscribe to Fawn Friends Weekly and join hundreds of parents from around the country. Here is a great explanation of what might be happening from Understood.org:
See tantrums for what they are: an opportunity to develop intimacy
Kids are working their emotional and executive functioning butts off at school to make friends, perform in class, and develop their understanding of the world. They experience rejection, failure, betrayal, and disappointment. When they get home they are both spent and safe. So, they let their guard down and sometimes pent up emotions spill out. Their emotions are your signal something happened and there an opening for you to develop intimacy with your child.
Ok, so you've got an opening. Let's talk about what to get right:
- Regulate your emotions: this is hard because tantrums are one of life's most triggering events. It's also crucial. You aren't safe if you aren't regulated. Dr Becky has a mantra for these moments that might help if you're feeling triggered: "Nothing is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with my child. I can cope with this".
- Validate their experience: your most important job is to understand what it feels like to be your child and to validate the way they feel. Don't go straight into fix-it mode.
- Put away distractions: show them they are your top priority by putting your phone in another room, turning off the TV/computer, and doing nothing except asking questions and listening.
- It's OK if they don't share: it is a privilege for them to share their inner world with you and sometimes they won't. If that happens, all good—you can try again next time.
OK, so here is the simple process I learned from Seth Perler. He calls it a Temperature Check.
- Express that you sense something from their day is bothering them: "I sense that something happened today that's bothering you. Did something hurt your feelings?"
- If they share that something did, move onto the Temperature Check
- You: “I'm sorry to hear that. On a scale of 1 to 10, how upset did you feel when that happened?”
- Child: (child will respond with how they felt)
- You: “Why was it that much?”
- Child: (child will respond—keep asking questions until you understand why it was that much)
- You: “If that were to happen again, what would it take to decrease it from [the number the child said] to [the number the child said minus 1]?” (i.e. "...what would it take to decrease from a 6 to a 5?")
- Child: (the child will try to answer, but may struggle. Ask questions until you and they have a plan for next time.)
- You: “What can I do to help you get there?”
- Thank them for sharing and let them know how much you accept and love them: "I'm so glad you told me about what happened. Thank you. You're a special person. And I love you."
Here is why the Temperature Check works so well:
- You and your child develop a better understanding of their experience and what causes it
- You help them develop the capacity to be aware of how they are feeling
- You help them learn to take responsibility for their emotions
If you've made it this far, you're already doing more than most parents—congratulations. Recognizing your child's tantrum as an opening to develop intimacy, regulating your emotions, and performing a temperature check is a service to your child and something that will build intimacy between you. As a next step, set an intention to see tantrums for what they are and to give this, or a similar, conversation a try.
And for the moments you're not available, we've taught Fawn to perform temperature checks too.
