Divorce with Kids: What I Wish My Parents Had Known

Divorce with kids is tough. My parents divorced when I was seven and our household was emotionally violent until I left for college. For years, I didn't understand the wounds this caused or how they impacted my ability to be a successful adult. 

I wrote this post to share what I wish my parents had known about caring for me during their divorce, to help you support your children through tough events so they can avoid the pain I experienced.

Before I get started, let's get one thing straight: my parents were doing their best and I am confident you are too. That's what makes this topic so sad. So much pain in the midst of so much effort. It's also what makes it so important. 

Going through the divorce as an 8-year-old, I internalized the fight between my parents. I developed the belief that my actions were at fault, and that if I was just better we’d experience peace. That, of course, is wrong, but I've learned since it is typical of a child to form beliefs that put them at the center of an issue. This is one of the things that makes divorce with kids such a negative experience. 

My parents didn't know that. 

They didn't know how important it was to help me understand my feelings around their conflict. They didn't know they needed to help me see that it wasn't about me. 

I learned to deprioritize my needs to effect peace, which held me back from establishing a stable relationship.

I learned to put what I need second, in an attempt to avoid conflict with or between my parents. I learned to deprioritize my needs for the needs of others, something that makes maintaining intimate relationships happily—crucial to being a happy and successful adult—nearly impossible. 

Here is what else might happen if your kids don't learn to understand what they are experiencing, feeling, and thinking:

• they are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol
• they are more likely to struggle to succeed at school
• they are more likely to struggle to find meaningful work
• they are likely to seek partners that feel similar to their experience growing up, meaning people who are emotionally turbulent or whom don't make space for their feelings

I matured into someone who suffered for most of my 20s.

By the time I was 28 years old, I had struggled for a decade to form a stable primary relationship. I worked 70+ hours a week, partied hard, and climbed mountains, leaving no space for my emotions. Every few months I would find myself incapacitated for hours, sometimes days, by an emotional wave. I experienced more pain than I can communicate.

To my parents, and even my closest friends, everything seemed fine. But it wasn't.

If I could go back in time, I'd sit down with little Peter every week to ask him how he felt about what was happening between his parents.

I'd tell him I was there for him no matter what he feels or says. I'd try to uncover the beliefs he was developing. I know this works because I went through it as an adult.

When I was 28, I finally became aware of how my feelings were impacting my experience of life and how I acted in response. It was life changing. I started a long journey of therapy, retreats, coaching, reading, meditation, and introspection. I spent more than $50,000 and hundreds of hours understanding and unwinding the wounds and beliefs I developed as a child.

Awareness changed my life:

• I no longer avoid my feelings with parties
• I found meaningful work
• I still work long hours, but not to avoid my feelings
• I build safe, stable relationships (still a work in progress)

While I wouldn't restart my life if given the option, I don't wish my experience on anyone. My expensive and painful journey could have been avoided. I was fortunate to have support and resources to address it, but most people aren't so lucky.

This may be the most important thing I ever write

Another entrepreneur's perspective

A friend of mine wrote a powerful piece on the support he wished he had growing up in a divorced household. If your family is going through a divorce with kids or something else difficult, it's a worthwhile read.